Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Every Single Day we Exist, but is it Worth it?

The slog

We pretend to be excited
but everything is boring
Cautious laughter, 
it can't be that adoring 
Cute puppies, just atoms 
Little children, delighted
The past flew by, 
memories but phantoms
Come quickly sweet death,
There is no purpose
Take my last breath,
All my talent and charm,

We can choose to look into our own self-worth and compare our happiness to others, our financial status with our friends, our attractiveness with others on Facebook.  We can get our endorphins through Instagram likes, Facebook comments, YouTube likes on our videos.  There's plenty of things to be sad about, we can watch the news and all seems hopeless, the world hasn't evolved yet.  
All of this --- nobody cares.  Nobody cares how you feel.  Even those close to you want you to feel better, all so they don't have to put up with your shit.  
"Don't be depressed" 
they may say, only because you are dragging them down.  
Is there hope?  Sure, if we imagine a life free from suffering and death.  That's the allure of heaven.
The life we live now, maybe in our hurting state is something we can enjoy moment by moment.  Every breath is a gift, an opportunity to make someone else smile.  Treasure time, give back to people, enjoy all you can.  That's the secret to happiness.  

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

For those struggling with depression, suicide, anxiety and ptsd

Personally, I understand.  For the first time in my life, I experienced anxiety along with my depression.  I'm still working on it.  It causes crippling back pain, muscle soreness, and fatigue.  I would lay in bed in pain and if I could get the pain managed, I would sleep most of the day.
I wish there was a quick way to train our brain to shake this, but I haven't found one.  Sometimes all that gets me through is composing the next piece or practicing cello for the next project or gig coming up.
Recently, I've discovered many of my personal friends are struggling with something similar.   This struggle isn't easily admitted, but after seeing some concerning FaceBook posts and after private messages; the constant battle, the cycle of pain, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts is very real and struggled with every day.

Here's a story from one of my friends....

"Hello, my name is ______ and just over a year ago I was diagnosed with major depression, general anxiety, PTSD, and suicide ideation. A year ago on August 18th, I went to ______ hospital thinking that I would just try out the outpatient program. After discussing with a psychiatrist, and a nurse practitioner, I was essentially given the option to either willingly check into inpatient, or unwillingly do so because they could not legally let me leave knowing that I had suicide on my mind every minute of every day. 

I had previously brushed that bit aside thinking that I was in control, but now I was scared. I was scared because I knew that I was suicidal, I was just frustrated, and in so so much pain, and now I realized that there was nothing keeping me from acting on the urges other than an occasional distraction. I would burst into tears for no reason, and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and bury myself in a deep hole. 

So I did inpatient, and they tried me on a few different meds for my anxiety and depression. This was when I was diagnosed with major depression, general anxiety, and PTSD. I had been seeing a counselor each week for those things, but now it was so bad that not even that helped. I did inpatient for about two weeks, all the while just going through the motions. This was when I started to cut myself again. 

Everything "sharp" was taken away from me when they found out, but I was too creative and too good at hiding it, so I still managed to continue on my destructive path.  I was pretty much forced into leaving by a psychiatrist who I saw during the last few days of my stay, because my regular psychiatrist was the "head/main" one of all of those that worked there, so he was busy. So I left. Not a week later, I was still cutting, and then I reached the bottom of my fall, and I tried to kill myself for the first time. I didn't tell anyone for a long while, and when I did, I was thankfully surrounded by dear friends. 

My depression was still so bad that, even though I was being so so loved upon, I still felt completely empty of anything other than pain. I left and went home, and when I got there I realized that I had reached it, the point where I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to fight the battle for another minute, let alone another day. I didn't want to reach out for help and find nothing there. I felt like no one could save me except for God, and I didn't want to wait for Him any longer. 

I knew that if I let myself have the time to stop and think about it, that I would take my life without a second thought. So I decided to stop thinking and start doing. I had spoken with friends, and every one of them urged me to (if it would help me and keep me safe), go back to ______. I spoke with my counselor and she said the same. So slightly begrudgingly I went back.  I was honest with the intake interviewer, telling him with apathy about how I would kill myself if given the chance, and how I was only really there because others wanted me to be, and I was immediately admitted. 

While I was there I would attempt suicide a total of eight more times. I cut myself over a hundred times, and had gotten into the habit of punching the faux wood floor so hard and so frequently, that my knuckles were more often than not swollen, purple and yellow, and I wouldn't be able to completely open my fingers. I was at _______ for the second time for about three months. There's a lot more to the story, and believe me it doesn't end there, but this post is already too long. 

I just want to let others who are struggling like I did, and honestly still do, know that they are not alone.  I don't mind if you think less of me because of my mental illnesses, I am stronger because of the struggles I have to overcome. 

This is me, this is the face of depression, anxiety, and ptsd."

I really am amazed regarding the abject courage this took.  I hope others can speak openly about this so others can be aware.  It's a selfish world out there, and often we feel no one cares.  Some of us do care, and you aren't alone.  Many of us struggle also.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

The all encompassing Mahler Symphony #1

I import often as a cellist for symphonies, along with writing and recording music.   I just played the Mahler symphony with the Helena, Mt symphony.  I've considered Mahler to be a master of orchestration, he knew every instrument and its capabilities.  

I inspire to create, but this masterwork runs the gamut of emotions. Many of the misfortunes of my past were conjured up as I played this with the Helena Symphony this last weekend. I always knew Mahler was a master orchestrator, but the depth of this work is beyond words.

Please listen to the wonderful work...with good headphones or speakers.  

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Meditation in time of Chaos

If we find ourselves lonely, hurting...depressed.  Take time to process the world around us.  This piece represents the noisy life around us, but transforming this noise into something beautiful.
I took the sounds of car horns in Argentina and produced this piece.  It represents how I think of the world.  Every moment, no matter the noise can be peaceful.  It's how we process this journey, this information...the outcome is what we make it to be.

Monday, April 3, 2017

963 hertz - A return to Oneness, the crown chakra

In sound therapy, the tone, 963 hz is used for the crown, the 7th chakra.  It supposedly awakens the "Sahasrara."  The Sahasrara is located at the crown of the head, and is the channel through which we receive Divine guidance, wisdom and purpose. 963 hertz is the completion of the 7th chakra, the Si tone.
In this piece, I created the whole sound bed with a single tone played on the cello at 963 hz.  The pitches contained in the sound bed reach the extremes of high and low, which I feel lends itself to a perfect finale for this series.

You can purchase the full Album here!

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

852 - Hertz, a tone of awareness, moving forward to enlightenment.

This tone ‘La’ is claimed to help your ability to see through the illusions that stifle growth, such as seeing through the lies of psychopaths.  
Personally, I love this one, my cello vibrated well with this frequency.  All the tones were created using only the acoustic instrument.  I'm tired of all the people creating music through MIDI plugins.

You can purchase the full Album here!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

741 hertz - toxin cleansing music, solving problems

This Solfeggio series has been wonderful to create.  I enjoyed especially absorbing my energy into this one.  Every tone you hear is made with the cello, so I used these tones to create a lush soundscape.  All the tones relate to 741 hz, as octaves, modal(y) and harmonically.  For this piece, the extra melodic tones are all using the harmonics of the G string of my cello. 

You can purchase the full Album here!