Tuesday, October 10, 2017

For those struggling with depression, suicide, anxiety and ptsd

Personally, I understand.  For the first time in my life, I experienced anxiety along with my depression.  I'm still working on it.  It causes crippling back pain, muscle soreness, and fatigue.  I would lay in bed in pain and if I could get the pain managed, I would sleep most of the day.
I wish there was a quick way to train our brain to shake this, but I haven't found one.  Sometimes all that gets me through is composing the next piece or practicing cello for the next project or gig coming up.
Recently, I've discovered many of my personal friends are struggling with something similar.   This struggle isn't easily admitted, but after seeing some concerning FaceBook posts and after private messages; the constant battle, the cycle of pain, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts is very real and struggled with every day.

Here's a story from one of my friends....

"Hello, my name is ______ and just over a year ago I was diagnosed with major depression, general anxiety, PTSD, and suicide ideation. A year ago on August 18th, I went to ______ hospital thinking that I would just try out the outpatient program. After discussing with a psychiatrist, and a nurse practitioner, I was essentially given the option to either willingly check into inpatient, or unwillingly do so because they could not legally let me leave knowing that I had suicide on my mind every minute of every day. 

I had previously brushed that bit aside thinking that I was in control, but now I was scared. I was scared because I knew that I was suicidal, I was just frustrated, and in so so much pain, and now I realized that there was nothing keeping me from acting on the urges other than an occasional distraction. I would burst into tears for no reason, and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and bury myself in a deep hole. 

So I did inpatient, and they tried me on a few different meds for my anxiety and depression. This was when I was diagnosed with major depression, general anxiety, and PTSD. I had been seeing a counselor each week for those things, but now it was so bad that not even that helped. I did inpatient for about two weeks, all the while just going through the motions. This was when I started to cut myself again. 

Everything "sharp" was taken away from me when they found out, but I was too creative and too good at hiding it, so I still managed to continue on my destructive path.  I was pretty much forced into leaving by a psychiatrist who I saw during the last few days of my stay, because my regular psychiatrist was the "head/main" one of all of those that worked there, so he was busy. So I left. Not a week later, I was still cutting, and then I reached the bottom of my fall, and I tried to kill myself for the first time. I didn't tell anyone for a long while, and when I did, I was thankfully surrounded by dear friends. 

My depression was still so bad that, even though I was being so so loved upon, I still felt completely empty of anything other than pain. I left and went home, and when I got there I realized that I had reached it, the point where I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to fight the battle for another minute, let alone another day. I didn't want to reach out for help and find nothing there. I felt like no one could save me except for God, and I didn't want to wait for Him any longer. 

I knew that if I let myself have the time to stop and think about it, that I would take my life without a second thought. So I decided to stop thinking and start doing. I had spoken with friends, and every one of them urged me to (if it would help me and keep me safe), go back to ______. I spoke with my counselor and she said the same. So slightly begrudgingly I went back.  I was honest with the intake interviewer, telling him with apathy about how I would kill myself if given the chance, and how I was only really there because others wanted me to be, and I was immediately admitted. 

While I was there I would attempt suicide a total of eight more times. I cut myself over a hundred times, and had gotten into the habit of punching the faux wood floor so hard and so frequently, that my knuckles were more often than not swollen, purple and yellow, and I wouldn't be able to completely open my fingers. I was at _______ for the second time for about three months. There's a lot more to the story, and believe me it doesn't end there, but this post is already too long. 

I just want to let others who are struggling like I did, and honestly still do, know that they are not alone.  I don't mind if you think less of me because of my mental illnesses, I am stronger because of the struggles I have to overcome. 

This is me, this is the face of depression, anxiety, and ptsd."

I really am amazed regarding the abject courage this took.  I hope others can speak openly about this so others can be aware.  It's a selfish world out there, and often we feel no one cares.  Some of us do care, and you aren't alone.  Many of us struggle also.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

The all encompassing Mahler Symphony #1

I import often as a cellist for symphonies, along with writing and recording music.   I just played the Mahler symphony with the Helena, Mt symphony.  I've considered Mahler to be a master of orchestration, he knew every instrument and its capabilities.  

I inspire to create, but this masterwork runs the gamut of emotions. Many of the misfortunes of my past were conjured up as I played this with the Helena Symphony this last weekend. I always knew Mahler was a master orchestrator, but the depth of this work is beyond words.

Please listen to the wonderful work...with good headphones or speakers.  

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Meditation in time of Chaos

If we find ourselves lonely, hurting...depressed.  Take time to process the world around us.  This piece represents the noisy life around us, but transforming this noise into something beautiful.
I took the sounds of car horns in Argentina and produced this piece.  It represents how I think of the world.  Every moment, no matter the noise can be peaceful.  It's how we process this journey, this information...the outcome is what we make it to be.

Monday, April 3, 2017

963 hertz - A return to Oneness, the crown chakra

In sound therapy, the tone, 963 hz is used for the crown, the 7th chakra.  It supposedly awakens the "Sahasrara."  The Sahasrara is located at the crown of the head, and is the channel through which we receive Divine guidance, wisdom and purpose. 963 hertz is the completion of the 7th chakra, the Si tone.
In this piece, I created the whole sound bed with a single tone played on the cello at 963 hz.  The pitches contained in the sound bed reach the extremes of high and low, which I feel lends itself to a perfect finale for this series.

You can purchase the full Album here!

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

852 - Hertz, a tone of awareness, moving forward to enlightenment.

This tone ‘La’ is claimed to help your ability to see through the illusions that stifle growth, such as seeing through the lies of psychopaths.  
Personally, I love this one, my cello vibrated well with this frequency.  All the tones were created using only the acoustic instrument.  I'm tired of all the people creating music through MIDI plugins.

You can purchase the full Album here!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

741 hertz - toxin cleansing music, solving problems

This Solfeggio series has been wonderful to create.  I enjoyed especially absorbing my energy into this one.  Every tone you hear is made with the cello, so I used these tones to create a lush soundscape.  All the tones relate to 741 hz, as octaves, modal(y) and harmonically.  For this piece, the extra melodic tones are all using the harmonics of the G string of my cello. 

You can purchase the full Album here!

Saturday, March 4, 2017

639 hertz - reconnecting. balancing and attracting love

This frequency is said to rebalance direction, finding your true path.  This is the frequency of the heart Chakra.  So center yourself, clear your mind and listen to this frequency, putting your mind on things important to you.  Family, love, goals, friends and health.
You can purchase the full Album here!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

528 hertz - the Frequency of Creation

  I tuned my cello to A=445 which allows the "C note" to resonate at 528 hertz.  All the tones were created using only a single tone played on my cello.  I added a melody line and obscured it to add more texture, I like how this one turned out.
Many attribute 528 hertz to to DNA repair, to healing, to love, to miracles and the center of creation.  
  Math scientist Victor Showell describes 528 as important to the ancient Pi, Phi, and the Golden Mean evident throughout the natural world. Vic Showell and John Stuart Reid (acoustic research and cymatic measurements) have given evidence that 528 is essential to the sacred geometry of circles and spirals consistent with DNA structuring and hydrosonic restructuring.
   Enjoy my creation as it is, use in the spa, for meditation, for sleep, for background as you do other activities.  


You can purchase the full Album here!

Thursday, February 23, 2017

417 hertz - Clean the Negative energy, change bad habits

I tuned my cello to A=417 and I loved how it turned out.  Everyone has a different response to frequencies, so use this how you wish.  Headphones are recommended, not required.  Many claim this frequency can help reset negative energies and put you back on track.
It's nice to use pure cello and create music for you!

You can purchase the full Album here!

Monday, February 20, 2017

396 hertz - Turn your grief into joy

I'm digging deep into 396 hz and the Solfeggio frequencies.  

Here you go, intention is: turning the grief into joy, liberating guilt and fear.  

Some sites claim"This frequency liberates the energy and has beneficial effects on feelings of guilt. It cleanses the feeling of guilt, which often represents one of the basic obstacles to realization, enabling achievement of goals in the most direct way. The ‘Ut’ tone releases you from the feeling of guilt and fear by bringing down the defense mechanisms. 396 Hz frequency searches out hidden blockages, subconscious negative beliefs, and ideas that have led to your present situations."

I personally love listening to these frequencies, especially as I am transitioning to another location. (as I write this blog)

You can purchase the full Album here!

Friday, February 17, 2017

285 hertz, an interesting observation...

So I was experimenting playing around in other tunings, harmonizing to 285 hz.  An instrumentalist can tune their "A note" to A=425 hz, play in the key of D major and the harmonies come alive.  My cello sounded great playing in 425, I've often played in 432 hz....but I love 425 hz.  In parts of the classical and romantic periods, music was tuned to A=425, but we've tuned the "A" higher and higher through the ages.  
I also read 425 hz is the frequency of air. [1] So 285 hz relates to everything around us, even the air...  Some say 285 hz has healing properties and aligns our cells to their natural state.  
So listen, relax...and take in this frequency, like the air we breathe.    

You can purchase the full Album here!

Thursday, February 16, 2017

174 hertz - For grounding...for relaxation

174 Hz is the foundational Solfeggio Frequency for the earth, and according to many; a grounding waveform, and a karmic energy.  This frequency will re-arrange energy and perception, grooming a stable foundation for the acceleration and evolution of consciousness.

Karma refers to actions and their inevitable consequences, whether spiritual, mental, or physical. If we speak in anger we will provoke an angry response. But if we generate loving thoughts, we will facilitate greater connection. We need to heal negative emotional habits within in order to free ourselves of destructive patterns and align us with heart consciousness.

This all sounds like woo-woo, however when all these waveforms align with nature, the geometry of the universe and frequencies used in medicine, I cannot deny some of these properties.  Thus, I will supply a playlist using these frequencies.

You can purchase the full Album here!

Friday, February 10, 2017

All the Solfeggio Frequencies in one piece, using a real instrument...the cello.

Many think these frequencies have healing and or divine elements in them, I believe frequencies are therapeutic and sound therapy is gaining more and more traction.
The goal of this channel is to help heal, to bring peace...I will post many different types of music, because everyone has different tastes.  I will do a series on Solfeggio, this is just a taste.  I mentioned in another video there is too much "fake" music.  I want to remain unique and offer meditative music without the use of midi samples, putting heart into each and everyone of my creations.

You can purchase the full Album here!